Love For the Queer Christian Girl

Introduction

I heavily debated what I should write about this week in light of current events. However, this post is something that God has put on my heart as something that needs to be published today. With that being said, I still wanted to include some resources for how you can help bring awareness to and make change in the racial injustice going on in America (it’s a quickly strewn together google doc with a ton of information and please read the paragraph at the end).

Now, some of you may be wondering why I am randomly bringing up the controversial topic of queer Christians and the LGBT community in general. Well, let me tell you why. The first time I ever met a gay person was in my freshman year in high school. Before that, I just thought gay people were kind of a myth or something people talked about that wasn’t actually real. I never thought about LGBT matters too much until my closest friend at the time came out to me. When she did, she admitted that she had wanted to tell me for a long time, but was scared to because she knew I was Christian. Being the naïve girl I was, I didn’t understand how those two things correlated in any way and told her that I loved her no matter how I felt about homosexuality. She, then, shared a little bit about her experience with the church and I was shocked to hear about what the church was doing to people in the LGBT community. In an instant, my heart broke for her and then, my heart broke again when I realized there were more people like her and, once more, when I realized I was one of them. So, yeah, that’s why I’m writing this. Also, it’s pride month. Will I regret it? Maybe, but this post isn’t about how it will make me look to other people. It’s for all of you who are really struggling to put together the pieces to the queer Christian puzzle and needing something like this to help.

Today, I am going to tell my story of learning to love and accept myself for the purpose of taking you through that very same process with me to develop a theologically sound belief about homosexuality. Together we will learn about all of the different views and bible verses used to support each opinion on same-sex attraction. What you believe is up to you and, therefore, I will be including resources that support both Side A and Side B (and explain what both of these phrases mean to anyone who’s confused). If you read last week’s post about Christianity and mental health, you would know that biblical support is extremely important to me (not wishy-washy arguments founded on nothing more than the feelings of the moment). For this reason, figuring out what I believed about homosexuality according to God’s word was and, still, is something I take very seriously and, if you do, too, this is the perfect place for you to be. Keep an open mind and an open heart, ready to hear God’s word, and, then after you’ve read my whole journey, reach an informed conclusion

In the Beginning

Freshman Year

In my first year of high school, there were a lot of changes for me. I had just recovered from my concussion in mid-July, I was going to a public school for the first time (and it was also on the bad side of town), and most of my friends had just moved away. I would be starting at another school without a single friend and when I say single friend, I’m not exaggerating. I met one person I got along with the day before school started and that was it. Other than that, I would be on my own. Luckily, I was still in contact with one of my friends who had just moved and we, still, called each other all the time.

Thankfully, I met a couple of pretty amazing people and we hit it off by the second semester of freshman year. Unfortunately, this happened to coincide with my mental health declining. I also began to notice that I wasn’t interested in dating people like almost everyone else was, but it didn’t really bother me (yet). Then, one day seemingly out of the blue a lot of my friends started coming out to me. My first friend had already done it at this point so I had gotten used to it and, at this point, all that I cared was that I even had friends (who also made me extremely happy) at all.

Then, the shoe dropped. Remember, the person I stayed friends with even after she moved? Well, she came out to me one day and called herself a word that I hadn’t really thought about before. The more she kept describing it, the more I realized that it was me, too. We both came out to each on the very same day and I said the words, “I am bisexual,” for the very first time. We eventually hung up and I didn’t sleep for a single second that night because I couldn’t stop thinking of how terrible of a human being I must’ve been to have been swayed over by the quote-unquote gay agenda. But, there was another part of me that was really proud of myself for finally being honest and that scared me more than anything else had in a long time.

Sophomore Year

At this point, I began spending all of my free time searching for answers and information about the bible and homosexuality. It felt like I was grasping for straws, though. We didn’t, yet, have access to the number of articles and books that we do now. The first thing I remember learning was that the verses in the New Testament could actually be referring to prostitution, idolatry, and/or pedophilia, not homosexuality. This is because the word Paul uses to describe people engaging in same sex activity is never used any other time. I thought this information was plausible at best, but it was the only information that was available at the time. So, I put my search on hold and convinced myself that I should never tell anyone else about my problem.

Every time I heard someone refer to homosexuality as same-sex attraction, the gap between us grew a little bit wider and another brick was placed on the ever expanding wall in between me and the rest of Christianity. Every time I saw the phrase, “God hates f*ggots” on a protest sign, I felt personally attacked and drew into myself even more. Every time I rediscovered the devastating truth about the rate of suicide in LGBTQ+ teens, a piece of myself seemed to die with them. It all began to hurt so much and nothing about any of those feelings seemed like something Jesus would want for anyone. But, enough about me. Let’s talk a little bit more about Side B theology and why it might not be our only option. I will, of course, be sharing resources with you in support of this belief, but only because I don’t want you to just take my word on it.

Side B Theology

The foundation of Side B theology is based on the fact that God created Adam and Eve in the beginning and that they were complementary to each other. This belief is referred to as complementarianism and means that God designed a man and a woman for marriage to complement each other, both emotionally and physically. This belief is further emphasized by the fact that the bible never outright mentions same-sex relationships in the context of marriage and, also, explicitly says God made marriage to be between a man and woman (Matthew 19 4-6 is just one example). Something to keep in mind, though, is that the word God uses for Eve in Hebrew is Ezer, meaning helper. This is important because Ezer is often used to describe the help for and devotion to the people of Israel from the Lord in the Old Testament. Does this mean commitment, relationship, and companionship are the most important parts of marriage and not complementariness? Also, God literally made Eve as a companion from Adam’s own flesh (note the sameness) because he longed for connection. What about people who are naturally attracted (more on that later) to their own sex and longing for connection just like Adam? Are we supposed to force LGBT people to become celibate even though God’s own response to this was actually giving Adam a companion? While celibacy may be a beautiful thing for some people, those people are few and far between. There is nothing that has the ability to remain a gift when the person receiving it doesn’t want it or wants the exact opposite. So, why do we still call celibacy a gift for all of the queer Christians who want nothing more than a family to love?

From my years of studying, I have learned that there are three major problems with Side B (from a theological standpoint). The first is that the bible only mentions same-sex activity in the context of adultery, sexual assault, prostitution, idolatry, “nature” (again more on that later), and/or pedophilia. What about dedicated Christians in the LGBT community who want to have a committed monogamous marriage? The bible doesn’t actually ever talk about that! You can look it up for yourself in Genesis 19 (and Ezekiel 16:49), Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 1 Timothy 1:10, and Romans 1:26+27. Don’t forget to check out the original meaning of the Hebrew and Greek words. This means that the bible isn’t actually as clear as we thought it was.

The second is that in other instances of injustice, we have still been able to use the bible to get a clear understanding of God’s will for it even when it isn’t explicitly mentioned. One of the ways we do this is by comparing the action/concept to the Fruit of the Spirit. Afterward, we will immediately have a better idea of God’s will. I found most of my biblical examples, here and the others by searching on google.

Fruit of the Spirit	Biblical Examples	Heterosexual Marriage	Homosexual Marriage	Reasoning
Love	1 Corinthians 13:4-8	Yes	Yes	All marriage is based on love
Joy	Hebrews 12:2	Yes	Yes	People get married because they bring each other joy
Peace	Romans 5:1	Yes	Yes	There is no point to a marriage that only brings tension
Patience	Colossians 3:13	Yes	Yes	Having any kind of relationship with another person takes a lot of patience for both parties
Kindness	Titus 3:4-7	Yes	Yes	Both partners in a marriage must be kind to each other
Goodness	Luke 6:27 and Galatians 6:10	Yes	Yes	Marriage is a gift from God for people who need it (1 Corinthians 7:9)
Faithfulness	Matthew 25:14-30	Yes	Yes	Marriage represents a covenant of faithfulness
Gentleness	1 Thessalonians 2:7	Yes	Yes	For a marriage to succeed, both partners must love each other with gentleness even when it’s hard
Self-Control	Proverbs 25:28	Yes	Yes	Many would say it takes self-control to fully commit yourself to another individual

I’ll get to the third reason later. Anyway, since I am determined to include some resources supporting this side, I will. Obviously, Messy Grace by Caleb Kaltenbach is the first recommendation I’m gonna make. I would still recommend reading it no matter what you believe. He has a really unique story and for that reason, alone, it’s worth the read. Two other books to consider reading in support of Side B are Gay Girl, Good God. by Jackie Hill Perry (I personally do not like or support this book in any way whatsoever and refuse to read it because of how many people it has deeply hurt, but for whatever reason it’s extremely popular) and A War of Loves by David Bennett. I haven’t read A War of Loves but I saw David speak at a conference in Vienna and I think he’s an amazing storyteller. He is also so passionate about Jesus that I felt like I should include it as well.

Hold Tight Sweetheart

Junior Year

No one but Kesha could sing these words and not sound patronizing. Kudos to anyone who knows what song I’m referencing.

At the beginning of this year, one of my closest friends came out to me as trans. This is where it all started to go downhill for me. I had been hiding my mental illnesses for over a year and not only did I have friends who were gay but one of them was also trans, WHAT?!?! I don’t know what exactly it was about this that finally made me seriously question all of my beliefs, but it did and I had questions about everything. By then, I was starting to feel like I couldn’t be Christian and bisexual at the same time. I was confident that I couldn’t change my sexuality because, believe me, I had tried. So, doubt crept in. Today, I am so grateful for this time because, even though it hurt immensely and I had to grow up way too quickly, this was truly the first time where I began to love myself for who I was (as shown by this picture I had one of my friends take and never discussed again).

I stepped away from the church as much as I could because I knew being surrounded by people who told me that there was something either fundamentally wrong with me and/or my thoughts and actions, was becoming increasingly worse for my mental health. Above all else, I knew I did not want to become another number or statistic in the news. It was a slow and grueling process at times, but I kept on growing in other ways outside of my faith. However, my life was eventually put into pause because my chronic illnesses were becoming more noticeable. No longer was my queerness the secret controlling my life, it was, now, the fact that my health was tearing me to pieces. Somehow, struggling with my physical health removed a lot of the pressure I had put on myself to be the “good Christian girl” and I began looking into every nook and cranny of homosexuality and the Bible. I think it’s because I could no longer be what others expected of me no matter how hard I tried. Two years after my first deep dive, I started searching again and there were more resources than ever before. I read article after article, book after book, and page after page of google search results. Still, nothing really convinced me that it was okay to actively be gay. One book I read during this time is called, God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines. While it’s pretty popular, I wasn’t convinced by it and some of the arguments felt wishy-washy to me. Even though I wasn’t really comfortable with Christianity, I wasn’t about to live in sin either. I know it doesn’t make sense, but a life of toxic churches hurt me (and too many other people) way too much for me to completely let go of that fear. I had had enough, but I was also scared that the “Christians” saying we (LGBT people) would go to hell were right. It began to tear me in two all over again.

Senior Year

By the summer before my senior year, I had internally reached the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with homosexuality but I wasn’t quite ready to confront my spiritual hesitations with that statement. If you’re wondering how I could have possibly reached that conclusion, well, the only way I can describe it is as this understanding that people are made for community and one’s sexuality does not change having this need. So, how can something that is so natural still be wrong? Remember, earlier when I said that one of the reasons homosexuality was criticized in the bible was because it wasn’t natural (this is Paul’s reasoning in the bible)? Here’s why they thought that.

1. Complementarianism: Two bodies of the same sex are not meant to go together because they are not physically complementary (and, therefore, unnatural).
2. Sexism: In Paul’s time, if two men are having sex, one of them is playing the role of the woman and, therefore, making themselves worth less than they actually were (and, therefore, against their nature). Are you seeing a theme?
3. Knowledge: Often times, men would have sexual relations with other men when they were already married and naturally attracted to the opposite sex but had other sexual desires. Because the proper language and knowledge to explain LGBT issues did not, yet, exist, it was assumed that all same-sex sexual relations were a result of sexual excess, not a natural (or unchangeable) attraction to the same sex. For Paul, it all boils down to nature and there was no reason for him to consider that this nature could actually include attraction to the same sex because his experience and language only involved negative associations.

During my senior year, I made the last minute decision to graduate in January because I was bored (I literally have over 40 high school course credits) and had the option to live in Vienna with family. Through that experience, I was able to rediscover my love for God and for myself. I was also introduced to the concept of affirming theology or Side A aka there was an actual biblical case for homosexuality and not just the wishy-washy theology I had already seen. I was skeptical at first but the more I looked into it, the more convinced I became that we had massively missed the point of a lot of scripture (and will continue to do so).

Once I got back to the US, I had a lot more time because of the pandemic and immediately read two books that someone had suggested I read, Torn by Justin Lee and Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships by Karen R. Keen. That second book literally changed my life and confirmed my idea that my sexuality and Christianity were not mutually exclusive. I had finally heard the truth I needed to hear that I could follow Jesus without hiding myself from the rest of the world. Shortly after reading these two books, I decided to continue learning more about theology for myself. I read two books by Rachel Held Evans, Inspired and Faith Unraveled, that also changed my life. Through Rachel’s experiences of doubt and later rediscovering the bible for herself, I learned that it was okay to wrestle with my faith. Like Israel wrestling with God in the Old Testament, I began to fight with the religion that had been ingrained in me from birth and afterwards, I was left completely changed and, finally, started to feel that my sexuality didn’t have to come with the small print of life long bondage.

I kept on finding more and more people who were reaching the same conclusions I was and finding hope in their stories of doubt and rediscovery. One story from Karen R. Keen permanently changed how I viewed God’s law, sin, the need for Jesus, and therefore sexuality in general. In 1 Samuel 21, we read a story about David. He is alone, exhausted, and starving. He makes his way to a temple of God and begs the priest for food. The only problem is that the priest only has holy bread on hand. If you didn’t know, this is something only the priests and relatives of Aaron are permitted to eat. Whenever anyone disobeyed priestly laws, it usually ended in death (God even killed Aaron’s own sons for using the wrong materials). In verse 5, David replies to the priest “‘Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!'” Basically, he was saying he hadn’t done anything that would make him unclean, so the priest gives him the holy bread. I’m sure you’re thinking, “He did what? But David could die!” Here’s where you’re kind of wrong. David was in need of food and there was no other option but hold bread. He wasn’t just a little hungry, he was desperate for food. Because his human need for food outweighed the law, he was given food.

Later, in the New Testament, human need becomes center of Jesus’ ministry. In order to honor God’s desire for justice, Jesus commonly broke laws about the Sabbath by healing people during the Sabbath. Crazy, right? Okay, maybe it doesn’t seem crazy to you but, trust me, it was. He did this because the people He healed were in need of healing right then and there. Jesus didn’t go around saying that He wanted to break laws all the time just for fun. On the contrary, He wanted to show God’s love for humanity and did this by responding to humanity’s most pressing needs. What about when humans need community and a committed relationship? Jesus explains that God’s law was created as a way to express justice and love for humanity (even if it doesn’t seem like it today). Jesus revolutionized God’s law once more by showing that all of the commandments in the Old Testament could be fulfilled through one concept, love. It is written in Romans 13:9, “For the commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,’ and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'”

Let me leave you with one question based on what you learned today.

Would Jesus deny humanity to an entire group of people when their only sin is love or would He fight for love and justice for the queer community?

We may never know exactly what Jesus would think about committed, monogamous same-sex relationships, today, because it’s not something He ever spoke about. However, He consistently fights for the outcasts, shows love to the broken, eats with the sinners, and brings justice where there is none. That sounds pretty familiar, doesn’t it?

Resources for Allies and Queer Christians

• Other Articles
  • Penny in the Air: [Sarah Bessey’s] Story of Becoming Affirming
  • 5 Reasons Why More Christians are Becoming LGBTQ Affirming
  • Why do Some Christians Believe It’s Ok to be Gay, When the Bible Says it Isn’t?
• Podcasts
  • Queerology
  • For the Love with Jen Hatmaker
  • Blue Babies Pink (YOU MUST LISTEN TO THIS ONE)
  • Girl Resurrected (my podcast that’s all about how disability, sexuality, race, gender, mental health, and Christianity intertwine)
• Books
  • Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships by Karen R. Keen (this one literally changed my life)
  • Torn by Justin Lee
  • Untamed by Glennon Doyle (a memoir specifically for women and not just about LGBT issues)
  • Does Jesus Really Love Me? by Jeff Chu
  • God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines (this one is really popular but it felt wishy-washy to me at some times)
  • Transforming by Austen Hartke (for all the transgender guys, gals, and non-binary pals)
• Organizations, Non-Profits, and Communities
  • QChristianFellowship (used to be Gay Christian Network)
  • Unchanged Movement
  • Harbor (a subscription based community for parents of LGBT kids)
  • The Reformation Project
  • Brave Commons
• Our Bible App (a bible app minus the toxic theology)
• For Finding Affirming Churches
  • Church Clarity
  • GayChurch.org

If you are a queer Christian and feel how I felt four years ago, I love and support you so much. I created the a little reminder with you in mind because I want you to be able to feel free to love and accept yourself, as well as confident in your identity so you can be open about it. It has taken years and years of research, talking to people, doubting God, and researching some more to get to where I am today. Subscribe using the form below to continue your personal journey in self acceptance and finally understanding and believing that you are abundantly loved by God! You can print and download your own reminder of love and acceptance here. In the future, I also plan on creating something like The Beginner’s Guide to Affirming Theology with more resources and an even more detailed guide to affirming theology. Make sure to stay tuned for more updates on that!

Let’s be friends!

Seriously, hon. You should subscribe. You’ll get access to my monthly newsletter and all of the digital downloads located in my free resource library! If that’s not enough for you, then, I offer you a safe place to be yourself. You and your beautiful, messy mind are welcome here!

I have read and agree to the terms & conditions

Leave this field empty if you’re human:

Conclusion

Today, I am proud to call myself bisexual and I believe in full confidence that God is proud of me, too. Publishing this blog post, may be one of the most frightening things I have ever done, but I want to share God’s radical love for me with as many people as possible. I hope you saw Him in my story and maybe, just maybe, it will open up the doors for you to be changed from the inside out like I was.