5 Tips For Coming Out to Non-Affirming Family

Introduction

I recently got an email from one of my readers asking for advice on being authentic and coming out to non-affirming family. As someone who has chosen to only actively come out to select family members, I remember that feeling of fear, anger, shame, and everything else mixed together so clearly. I was lucky that I never worried about my physical safety with the vast majority of relatives but I felt very concerned about emotional and identity abuse ahead of time (and rightly so), It took four years for my mom to completely accept me and some others are still in the process. Regardless, I refuse to live in the shadows of others’ expectations for me. That’s why I thought I’d share some advice for others like me who don’t need to be worried about their physical safety but are just trying let their non-affirming family in a little bit more.

Be Confident in Your Identity

When I first came out as bisexual to non-affirming family, I was almost immediately told to tell others I was struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA) or to ignore it as it was a short-term phase. If I had not already known who I was for over a year before this incident, I probably would have gone with it or quickly agreed. This definitely would have caused more problems in the long run. Being confident that you know who you are and that it’s okay if your feelings change is something I was able to develop before coming out because I waited so long. If you can, I would recommend waiting to tell people who aren’t affirming for a little bit longer than is comfortable. In that period of time, not only can you get past the self-doubt, but you can also better gauge potential hurdles in the future.

It’s Not Your Job to Change People’s Minds

Until last year, I had believed with my whole heart that it was my responsibility to turn people’s minds and hearts away from homophobia and transphobia. However, there is no way I can change every single person’s minds about who I am and what I stand for in less than 100 years. As a queer person in a non-affirming environment, it is merely your responsibility to survive. That is weight enough. There’s nothing wrong with sharing resources, but you do not need to spend hours upon hours fighting for your right to live with the people you love most. That would kill anyone.

When Coming Out, Hold Onto the Love of God

It can be so easy to give that loved one a piece of your mind when they say something homophobic when coming out. However, not only is it wise to hold your tongue, not only is it what Jesus would do (think the crucifixion), not only could it protect you, but in situations like this you must pick and choose your battles in order to get anywhere. I know some people will disagree with me on that, but this is especially true for any of you who are living in abusive or toxic households. Rather than tell your non-affirming family member “get behind me, Satan,” every single time they pick a fight, take a deep breath, hold onto verses like Matthew 5:43-47, and go for a walk.

Lower Your Expectations a Bit

Maybe this is bad advice, but I don’t think I would’ve been so heart-broken after coming out if I had set realistic expectations. I got my hopes up about coming out to certain people that I should have expected to react poorly and that just amplified the pain of their homophobia. Before coming out to someone who is non-affirming, come up with a plan on what you’re going to say and what boundaries you will be setting, gather some resources for them, think of the questions they may ask and how you will respond, prepare for what you may need to do if things go way worse than you thought they would (there’s nothing wrong with staying at a friend’s house), and make sure to write this all down so you don’t forget.

Walk the Walk

Are you telling your non-affirming friends and family that you can be Christian and gay? Don’t just talk the talk. Love those hard to love family members (sometimes, love does involve cutting ties). Be radically inclusive just like Jesus. Donate your time and money to causes you care about. Find a faith community that supports you. For so many mildly or passively (i.e. mostly uninformed) non-affirming people, these small choices of walking the walk can actually make all the difference. Yes, it is a slow process, but it’s sometimes the only one that has the power to build bridges.

Conclusion

Because of the seriousness of the topics I have written about today, I would like to share a couple of resources for anyone in need of some help. If you are in immediate danger, please stop reading and call 911. For crisis lines, check out the list of international lines linked on this page. For an international list of domestic violence hotlines, check out this link, here. Lastly, Queer Christian Fellowship has TONS of resources so I thought I’d give them a little shout-out. I hope coming out feels a little bit less scary now and wish you the best of luck. If you have other questions about LGBT+ stuff, feel free to ask in the comments or send me a little email.