A Recovering People Pleaser’s Guide to Self-Acceptance

Introduction

For a long time, I had grown used to hearing the phrase, self-acceptance, while having zero idea of what it actually meant. I would hear vague explanations before tuning out and continuing on with my day. This all began to change when self-acceptance became one of my biggest personal goals. I just didn’t call it that because I thought self-acceptance was a concept that was a little “out there.” But it also felt necessary. However, I kept on running into this term the more I looked into accepting myself and I found out that it’s actually not selfish. Here’s one definition from Merriam-Webster: self-acceptance is, “the act or state of understanding and recognizing one’s own abilities and limitations.” More simply, self-acceptance is an acceptance of yourself exactly as you are.

I had been struggling with low self-esteem and had difficulty loving myself because, to me, it seemed like I was constantly making mistakes and messing up. I was holding onto dreams and people that my health could not tolerate in the name of normality. If there’s one thing I know for sure, though, it’s that I am about the farthest from normal that anyone can be. I was ignoring my needs to please other people (whether I realized it or not). Instead of accepting myself–scars and all–I spent all my time fighting for the girl others told me to be, a girl that no longer existed. It was actually killing me from the inside out. That’s why today, I want to chat with you about all the misconceptions I held about self-acceptance and how you can overcome them in order to feel like a confident woman, even when you’re a hot mess.

But Isn’t Self-Acceptance a Bad Thing?

I touched on this a little bit earlier, but this was definitely my biggest misconception. Whenever I thought about self-acceptance, I pictured someone who was cheating on their partner and completely okay with it because they believe in self-acceptance. Okay, that’s a little extreme but you get the point. Self-acceptance does not mean complacency and that’s the truth. Self-acceptance is necessary not only for our own well-being but also for how we treat others. Sometimes, we struggle to treat others as human beings because we don’t respect ourselves as one! The only way we are able to grow from our mistakes is by accepting them! We can’t move on with our life after making a mistake or messing up until we learn to let go of it and accept that it’s, now, in the past. I would also argue that in order for self-acceptance to be beneficial we must also apply self-forgiveness (I think that’s a term I just invented but it’s pretty self-explanatory). That way there is no room for complacency, selfishness, or anything else unwanted to grow from our mistakes.

In order to completely overcome our shortcomings, mistakes, failures, or other things that we dislike about ourselves we must first pursue self-acceptance and then seek out self-forgiveness. If we don’t complete one of those steps, something else might sneak its way in before the wound can completely heal. I have an analogy for you, just in case you’re still a little skeptical. Imagine that your heart is a garden. It starts off beautiful, overflowing with flowers and fruit and succulents and all of your other favorite plants. Eventually, you make a mistake and forget to take care of the plants. When you finally come back to the garden, all of the plants are dying–even the succulents–and there are weeds everywhere! It’s one giant mess and you can hardly tell that there was ever a garden there in the first place. You decide to address each problem one at a time. First, you decide to take care of the plants and pay special attention to each one (self-acceptance). Then you begin re-establishing the garden’s boundaries and pulling weeds one at a time (self-forgiveness). You know it’s important to make sure each weed is pulled from the roots or else it could grow back again! You wouldn’t be able to restore your garden without completing both of these steps, though. In the same way, we cannot have self-acceptance without self-forgiveness and vice versa.

How Can I Accept Myself When Others Don’t?

Now, that we know self-acceptance isn’t some crazy idea or super selfish, I want to talk about something that held me back from accepting myself my whole entire life, other people didn’t accept me. From the moment I began school, I was bullied by teachers and students for things like being shorter than everyone, acting differently than everyone, and for generally being different from everyone else. I didn’t catch on to normal social cues until they were first blatantly explained to me (thank you, premature birth). I always seemed to injure myself while playing games and not realize it until someone told me (thanks EDS). I also couldn’t do things at the same pace as everyone else and was always struggling to keep up for the majority of my life until now (thanks, again premature birth). Most people would never have guessed that because to them, it seemed like I was just magically succeeding at everything I did. However, I was just hiding how hard it was from them so they would accept me. While people-pleasing tends to be a crowd favorite (see what I did there?), that doesn’t mean it’s beneficial on an internal level.

I would never have called myself fake (because I wasn’t) but I was basically doing the same thing a fake person would (without the fake-ness). I would be myself but dilute my presence to make myself more presentable or more enjoyable for everyone else around me. That’s what made not accepting myself feel like it was literally killing me inside! Even if you currently feel like you’re trapped in a hamster wheel performing for others, here’s the good news: running in circles does not have to define you for the rest of your life–and neither does being caged! You invented the cage, so why don’t you destroy it, too?

Even if you currently feel like you're trapped in a hamster wheel performing for others, here's the good news: running in circles does not have to define you for the rest of your life–and neither does being caged! You invented the… Share on X

I’m not promising that it’s going to be easy, but it is not impossible, and I know this because it’s what I do, now (at least, as much as I can). I should admit that I sometimes fall back into my old ways but it’s never long before I realize what’s going on and stop it! Today, there’s no better time to step back and reset than during a global lockdown because you literally cannot see or run into anyone that will tempt you to people-please! If you want to get in the mood to make your own path, I’d highly recommend giving Woman by Kesha (trigger warning for language) or Fall in Line by Demi Lovato and Christina Aguilera (trigger warning for language – but much less than the first). After listening, I promise you will feel like you can do anything!

Here are my top three tips that I’ve learned over the years of figuring out how to accept myself. Also, for anyone who’s here and queer I have a whole entire post for you, describing my journey of self-acceptance when it relates to sexuality.

1. Start small. If certain things feel impossible to accept, ignore them at first. Self-acceptance gets easier with time. It might look like accepting your guilty pleasure in k-pop and learning to be proud of that part of yourself. For another person, starting small might involve accepting what you ate for the day without regret (and that might be huge for other people). Start within your comfort zone and slowly widen the zone of self-acceptance to include things you aren’t as comfortable with.
2. Reframe your brain. This is something that will look different for everyone, but I think I can explain it best with an example. You’re choosing which math class you’re going to take this semester for university. You see words like “Calculus 1 with limits” and “Calculus 2” on the page as you scroll. The first thing that flies through your brain is, “I’m not smart enough to take any of these classes.” Instead of beginning to spiral into a pessimistic view of your intelligence, stop yourself right there and say, “Maybe I’m not smart enough for these classes, but I did get accepted into university. Not being smart enough for two classes, doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” While this may make since logically, just saying that you’re not smart enough to do something, automatically implies that you’re stupid whether or not you realize it. That’s why it’s important for your self-esteem and journey of self-acceptance to step in as soon as you say something negative (and untrue) about yourself.
3. Try to use other people’s lack of acceptance to keep on fighting. I don’t if you’ve ever noticed this before, but as women we can get pretty used to sexism in our everyday lives. However, some of the strongest women I know refuse to get used to it and instead of backing down when they’re told to. They keep fighting and use dismissal or unapproval to make their point even more powerful! It’s kind of awesome if you think about it. You might even notice that the same is true for people who are a part of or have family who are a part of varying minority groups. Seeing injustice just serves as a catalyst for their cause. If you can, try to apply this to your people-pleasing/whenever you fail to please someone. Don’t let it discourage you like it usually would. Let it turn your dying spark into a massive, billowing fire.

Fighting With the B*tch in My Head

Wait, what? Kiki, why are you using a censored cuss word?? Good question. It’s because I’m referencing what one of my friends told me to do while I was freaking out about something. She said, “Stop listening to the b*tch in your head because she’s wrong!” That one sentence had a huge impact on my life and I am so grateful for her saying it exactly as she did. That’s why I’m bringing it up right now because I think it could change your life, too. Oh, and, to clarify, “the b*tch in your head” is the voice in your head that sees the worst in everything, everyone, including you, without any basis in reality and refuses to pursue self-acceptance (she mostly wants self-rejection if I’m being completely honest. Some people might even know her better as their depression or anxiety. But naming her so disrespectfully without medical terminology, made her seem more separate from me and like she wasn’t apart of my truest, most beautiful self. Some people also like to call her Karen for obvious, meme-related reasons, but you can call her whatever works best for you. Maybe that’s a cuss word, maybe it’s a name, just choose something you don’t want to put up with because you shouldn’t have to put up with her. Self-acceptance starts the moment you decide to stop fighting with the b*tch in your head and fight to silence her instead. The first step is giving her a name and the next is listening to what she sounds like and what you sound like. Once you can tell the difference, replace everything she says with something that is actually true about yourself. Eventually what started as a replacement of the voice in your head will become a mantra that represents who you are at your core.

Self-Acceptance is Monumental in the Ordinary, too

Self-acceptance isn’t just for big things like accepting that you made a mistake or have a lifelong illness. It’s important to accept the more normal or average things about your life, too, Without doing so, we tend to forget about what’s actually important in our lives. Instead of viewing your walk to work as a waste of time and choose to accept it as a part of your life, you might begin to notice the delightful aroma of the French cafe on the corner or the woman selling flowers next-door. Not every single moment in life is going to be beneficial for your dreams or goals but living life is about everything–the mundane and the exciting. Applying self-acceptance to your past, present, and future allows you to make room to see the beauty in the ordinary and accept it as a part of yourself. This acceptance of the ordinary opens you up to the option of taking a break at the park you pass every day instead of rushing ahead without consideration for your headspace or even to appreciate the sunset you so often take for granted with no other reasoning except to look at the sunset and listen. The quiet moments fill us up with hope and inspiration and are absolutely necessary for our personal growth.

Conclusion

Self-acceptance is hard work, but it ends with you being able to forgive yourself and feeling freer from all the turmoil in your head and your heart. I struggle to accept myself all the time but I would never go back to the way I used to live. I want to continue fighting for peace and confidence in my life and self-acceptance is the way to go. I want to keep on encouraging you in your own journeys but to do that, I must first accept my writing mistakes, puns, awkwardness, cuss words, and all. Let me leave you with one last thing. You must accept yourself in order to love yourself. You must love yourself in order to forgive yourself. You must forgive yourself in order to free yourself. So, what are you waiting for? This is what you were made for–to be free and to feel loved.

You must accept yourself in order to love yourself. You must love yourself in order to forgive yourself. You must forgive yourself in order to free yourself. So, what are you waiting for? This is what you were made for–to be free and… Share on X