A Secret for the Mad: Hope for Messy Mental Health
“It’ll all make sense again.”
Dodie Clark
One of my favorite songs, Secret for the Mad by Dodie Clark, ends with that very sentence. If you haven’t heard it before, the song is a message to people who are struggling with their mental health and mental illness. That sentence has been bringing me so much comfort in this frustrating time.
For some reason, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. My brain has been acting really weird this week. I can’t stop randomly laughing for no reason at all and cleaning and eating and I can never completely recharge. I just don’t understand why now of all times, my mental health is acting up like this. There’s Mother’s Day and two AP tests next week. My brain can’t be messed up right now. It’s not convenient for me. Plus, I don’t like it. If someone were to ask me how I’m doing I honestly wouldn’t know how to respond. I wouldn’t be lying and saying “I’m fine” or “I’m just tired”. I would be lying if I didn’t say I don’t know. That scares me. Maybe I am actually happy right now and I don’t realize it. That terrifies me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
This has been on my mind all week but my thoughts about it changed right when I heard, “It’ll all make sense again.” I know now that I never truly understood that line. I thought it was pretty and deep but I didn’t think of it as my mind completely going to outer space while the rest of me is on earth. I’m seeing the stars and walking on the moon but in reality I’m seeing blinding lights and walking into walls because I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m even doing. It’s all because nothing is making sense, not even my own brain. I guess that’s what poor mental health will do to you. I don’t know when anything will make sense again so for now I just need to get used to this feeling and live with it.
As I’m writing this, I’ve already lost interest in it (my attention span has been soooo short) but I know I need to keep on writing or else I won’t finish this. Trust me, I am not about to share the secret I thought I had because I don’t have it but I’ll let you know when I do.
Anyways, I hope this makes sense. I’m going to try and create a thingy to help if it doesn’t. She laughs and smiles and cleans and eats the most delicious food but it’s not me doing any of those things. It’s like I don’t have control and I’m watching myself through a kaleidoscope and seeing different things at once. All of those different things combine into one big mess and that is her but I’m still standing behind the kaleidoscope seeing the mess she’s making. It’s like my brain is trapped in a body with a mind of its own but not in a bad way. Maybe its better to live through her because it looks like I’m doing better. And I’m always confused anyways so what’s one more cherry on top going to do?
I know this is not healthy or good but I don’t know how to stop it so this is what I have left. I’m ready for it to make sense. Why can’t things work out in my own timing? Oh. right, because I’d start World War III or something like that. I’m running out of things to do. I’m getting impatient and annoyed with my grades constantly slipping. Sadly, this is the best I can do.
A little part of my brain whispers to me, “It will all make sense again. Just wait one more day.”
“I hope you’re right.” I’ll take a deep breath but for now there’s nothing else I can do but wait and hope my mental health becomes less illness and more healthy.
