For the Christian Girl Losing Herself in Selflessness
Introduction
To continue my For the Christian Girl Series (you can read the first post about doubting your faith, here, if you missed it), I am going to be writing about something I never understood until recently. There are many different opinions on selflessness and sacrifice/service, but today I’m going to talk about how my original belief about selflessness transformed into something much more beautiful. Before I start, I need to clarify something. The specific kind of selflessness I’m going to be talking about today is mostly applicable to women. I know I’m probably getting some confused looks, so let me break it down for you. First, the type of selflessness, service, and sacrifice, I am talking about is seen in people who are not also loving themselves properly. For example, a woman who loves herself properly is able to say no when asked to volunteer in the nursery at the next church service because her heart needs rest. So, she takes care of herself without feeling guilty or anxious over her choice. She is comforted knowing that if she had said yes, she would not have been a loving example of Christ. A slightly different example of this would be a woman setting, explaining, and keeping personal boundaries between herself and other people or activities that are unhealthy for her. It may hurt in the moment, but it will prepare her to become stronger and closer to Christ. Secondly, there is also a difference between how a man and a woman are expected to serve in the church and in life. To put it bluntly, women are expected to serve more ministries and people than men are, regardless of how many familial, personal, or occupational responsibilities. Thus, leading to overwhelm and burnout. C.S. Lewis explains the two different kinds of “unselfishness” for men and women well in the Screwtape Letters. He says, “A woman means by unselfishness chiefly taking troubles for others; a man means not giving trouble to others.” To translate into modern English, a woman shows selflessness by taking on others’ burdens, emotions, and/or needs; a man shows selflessness by not giving rise to trouble.
A Good Christian Girl
Women who have grown up in the church are taught from a young age that a good Christian girl is marked by service and selflessness and she’s taught that being selfless looks like service or sacrificing herself by giving and giving and giving of herself until she loses herself. So, she shares her favorite toys at school only to watch them be broken. She plays pretend with the least popular kids in her class only to get in trouble for it. She lets the teacher in Sunday School seat her next to the troublemakers only to get made fun of in return. But, she is a good Christian girl and a good Christian girl is always sacrifices herself and her space for everyone else. A good Christian girl always diminishes her needs and loses herself to make space for others when, in reality, there was enough space for everyone in the first place.
By the time we’ve grown up, we’re surrounded by women so broken, exhausted, hurting, and ready to patch up their bruises for the next day of sacrifice, that we don’t even notice our own needs until we reach a physical breaking point. It starts with exhaustion, then, slowly grows into burnout, and, eventually, leaves us floating without any part of ourselves strong enough to tether us. At that point, we’ve sacrificed so much that we’ve lost ourselves. However, Jesus already sacrificed Himself for us and our doing so will not save us or anyone else. When He asks us to give Him our 100%, we give our left over -10% to Him after giving our 110% to others in service to them, thinking it’s to God (but how can we be sacrificing ourselves when God has already down so and how can we do something for God when He is just asking us to be still and listen?). We sacrifice ourselves again and again only giving Him what’s left over. When Jesus wants to mend us whole and knit us back together, we turn away because there’s someone else who needs help (more than we do). No wonder so many of us feel burnt out. Additionally, all women are not the same woman. What one woman can handle without losing herself, may leave another feeling broken beyond repair. This is especially true for those of us with a chronic illness, mental illness, disability, or financial situation that prevent us from serving as much as everyone else. Not all service is sacrifice. It depends on our motivations. Are we serving others because God asked us to or because others expect us to?
Before I continue, I want to take a quick side note to talk about what I mean by losing oneself. A woman who has lost herself might stay in an unhealthy marriage when she is being mistreated or abused to serve her kids well or she might “come to” with her head on the rim of a toilet bowl throwing up after drinking a little too much to hide her lostness. In a less extreme example, she may just wake up one day and realize that she isn’t living her own life because she’s given and lost her life to her partner, kids, studies, job, religion, family, friends, addiction, etc. This is the very thing that Jesus sacrificed Himself for; you are the very woman that Jesus died for. He didn’t die for everyone else and then, you. He died for everyone, including you.
These unattainable expectations of losing oneself in service and self-sacrifice create a vicious cycle of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and exhaustion. I can say with complete confidence that these are not fruits of the Spirit, and, therefore, there’s gotta be a different way to be selfless. When we remember that selflessness is a fruit of the Spirit, that also begs the question, what if selflessness is a result of a 100% commitment to God, not something we can replace by adding more volunteer or service hours to our repertoire? What if selflessness isn’t the same thing as giving of ourselves so completely that there is nothing left? What if sacrifices of oneself aren’t meant to be something we do everyday, but something He already did so we don’t have to?
Learning from the Good Samaritan
This isn’t all to say following Jesus is easy and that we won’t be required to let go of our plans for our lives more than once. Nor is it to say that we are meant to be selfish and never lend a helping hand. Let’s look at a parable to get a better idea of what fruit of the Spirit selflessness actually looks like. Luke 10:25-37 is one of the most famous parables and for good reason. The passage begins with Jesus answering the Pharisees’ questions about eternal life and loving your neighbor. Eventually, the questions lead to one asking, “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus does the thing He always does whenever He answers a question that the pharisees aren’t ready for; He answers with a parable! And the whole crowd goes wild!
Quick summary: This parable begins with a man who’s robbed, stripped, and beaten while traveling. A priest (a Levite who has religious responsibilities) is going down the road, sees him, and passes him on the other side of the road. A Levite (an everyday Jewish person) is going down the road, sees him, and also passes him on the other side of the road. A Samaritan (an everyday non-jewish person; Jews and Samaritans get along about as well as pure-bloods and half-bloods in Harry Potter) is going dow the road, sees him, and has “compassion.” The Samaritan binds the stranger’s wounds and sets him on his own animal to be taken to an inn and paid for the his stay. That seems pretty selfless to me and I think there’s something else for us to learn from it, too. We don’t know exactly what the Samaritan’s motivations were (it was just a parable), but he loved his neighbor well. The key here is that while loving his neighbor, the Samaritan (I’m gonna call him Sam for short) respected his own needs, in three different ways, as to not lose himself in the process.
- Sam satisfied his needs by keeping his job and other life responsibilities in mind. Did you notice that he didn’t invite the stranger to recover from his own home or help the take care of the stranger until he was completely healed, therefore ignoring his own needs and responsibilities? He sent him to a place that was better suited to take care of the stranger’s needs than he was. This allowed the stranger to get the best possible care and not force Sam to burn a candle at both ends.
- Personal boundaries are very important, but they are pretty easy to disrespect. For example, when we help someone, we might feel the need to take over and solve all of their problems when we should just listen. It leaves us feeling like the weight of the world is resting on our shoulders and, frankly, that’s not enjoyable. When Sam saw a stranger in the road, he didn’t completely take over the situation. He didn’t decide that he had to hunt down these robbers, scold the Pharisees, take care of the stranger, and move him into his own house all at once. No! He maintained his own responsibilities and boundaries (as well as the stranger’s) while still standing up for him when no one else would.
- Helping the stranger was a spur of the moment decision for Sam. It’s not like he scheduled his walk to work that morning right after a man would be attacked by robbers. He saw a need, felt he could help without harming himself, and went for it. That’s it. He didn’t post his selfless act on social media (I mean he didn’t have the option but I’m throwing it out there) or draw attention to how unselfish he was for helping this man. This act of sacrifice was just an act of love. He didn’t carry the extra burden of five other sacrifices, his responsibilities, and others’ expectations for him all at once. If he did, maybe he would’ve passed out! The point is selflessness doesn’t have to be complicated. All it requires is that we get our hands a little dirty.
My Top Tips for Managing Burnout
Finding the balance between sacrifice, losing herself, and her needs is a difficult journey for every woman (and one that is always changing). However, becoming burnt out doesn’t necessarily mean that losing ourselves is inevitable. Learning how to cope with burnout in a healthy way plays a significant role in preventing us from losing ourselves when we can’t control how much is on our plates or we don’t realize that we’re sacrificing too much until it’s too late. Caregiver Burnout is a specific kind of burnout that affects people in the medical field most often but it can also be a result of sacrificing ourselves for others by taking care of someone for an extended period of time.
- Take a break sooner rather than later. It’s tempting to want to push through our exhaustion or pain, but that will only make it worse. Giving God the opportunity to restore our brokenness requires us to actually pay attention to Him for more than five seconds. Plus, listening to what our minds and bodies are telling us to do is never a bad idea.
- Seek support from someone who’s equipped to provide it. Sharing with other people going through the same thing or experiencing burnout is good until it isn’t. What I mean is that it has the potential to be good, but often increases burnout because it ends with taking on another person’s stresses. Instead, I’d recommend sharing with a mentor or a trusted friend who is able to help. What may be more beneficial, though, is talking with a therapist about what’s going on and asking them to provide you with resources and coping mechanisms for your specific situation.
- Harvard Business Review says prioritizing self-care “essential to replenish your physical and emotional energy, along with your capacity to focus, by prioritizing good sleep habits, nutrition, exercise, social connection, and practices that promote equanimity and well-being, like meditating, journaling, and enjoying nature.” Adding activities that are beneficial to our health and fill us up, will help our body and mind to recover from everything we’ve been carrying as a result of our unselfishness.
- Set realistic goals and boundaries for yourself. If someone asked me to help them by flying to the moon, I would say no, not because I don’t want to help them, but because flying to the moon is (unfortunately) something that is not about to happen anytime soon for me. However, it would be much more difficult for me to know how to respond if I had no idea that I wouldn’t be going to the moon. What if I’d have said yes? I know this is an exaggerated example but it shows how having a realistic understanding of our goals and abilities can help us to respect our boundaries. How can we respect boundaries if we don’t even know what they are? If you need help with figuring out what your boundaries are, head on over to my Free Resource Library (for subscribers) for “A Simple Guide to Healthy Boundaries” with prompts and questions to help you better understand, create, and establish your own healthy boundaries.
Conclusion
Selflessness is not a work by which if we serve enough, we can save ourselves, Selflessness is a result of following God’s desires for our lives. God will fill us so we can give and serve in a healthy way. He doesn’t want us to lose ourselves because we have a bad habit of sacrificing ourselves to satisfy other people’s expectations of us. Like, Sam, we were made to be different and stand out. We were created to be so full of life that we couldn’t help but stop and give a little life when we see someone suffering–not suffer over stopping someone’s suffering or protecting them. God’s design for service isn’t meant to be unattainable for women who are unable to go on mission trips or work in a non-profit because of their health or personal finances. We can’t log service hours and report them to God to prove our selflessness. That’s just not how it works. Jesus’ plan for our lives involves us knowing exactly who we are so that we can commit every single part of ourselves to Him. He doesn’t want us to try to sacrifice ourselves when He has already done so. Jesus has called us to a life lived abundantly with eyes wide open and hearts overflowing with His love. He set us apart for a life marked by Him, not by the service or selflessness that reminds others that we’re good Christian girls because we are not called to give and give and give of ourselves. We are called to give and give and give of God. Once we take that first step into loving Jesus with our whole selves (yes, burnout and all), there’s no going back to lostness. Are you ready for it?
