For the Girl Struggling to Defeat her Loneliness

Introduction

I’ve moved, lost friends, been in lockdown for over a month (thanks coronavirus), watched friends move away, been pushed aside, walked into a room full of strangers, and carried heavy burdens without the help of anyone else. I’ve done all this many times before and will probably experience at least some of these again. Most of these events all end with me feeling helpless and alone. I’ll go to bed at night only to be engulfed in a wave of loneliness and fear. Now that we’re isolated from friends, loved ones, and coworkers. We’re all experiencing loneliness to some extent. Being a pro at feeling lonely (that sounded way cooler in my head), I recently discovered that it’s possible to defeat these feelings of loneliness because none of my feelings, bad or good, define me. Can you honestly say you believe that about yourself?

Most articles include vague solutions like, “make friends” when discussing loneliness. If you’re feeling lonely, the number of friends you do or don’t have is irrelevant. It’s a feeling. Although, it can sometimes be heightened by losing valuable friendships. I’m not writing a blog post like that one. Some articles will go a step further and replace the advice with a positive affirmation like, “everyone feels lonely, sometimes.” Thanks, I don’t feel lonely anymore. Problem solved. Wait. Nope. Still lonely. Rather than discuss vague ideas about and solutions for loneliness, I actually want to tackle the root of the issue and cover specific solutions to help you overcome your loneliness that I have learned from my own life. If you’re only interested in reading a feel-good fluff piece, this post is not for you. This post is for all the women who are actually ready to make some changes and defeat loneliness (one step at a time)! I am not promising an instant end to your loneliness, nor am I promising that you will never experience loneliness again. However, I do promise that intentionally going after change with a healthy mindset will help you manage your feelings of loneliness. Remember, personal growth takes time.

The Formula for Loneliness

Looking back on my past, I’ve noticed there is one thing in particular that paves the road for loneliness, an unexpected major life event. To better explain this concept, I’m going to tell two stories. Consider which one you relate to the most. Get familiar with your loneliness–why it’s there, when it appears, and how intense it is for you. You will never be able to defeat something of which you know nothing about.

The first kind of unexpected event is the most obvious. This woman’s loneliness is the result of a big move, break up, or sudden external life change. Right off the bat, she begins to feel lonely. For the most part, time and healthy coping mechanisms are needed to manage the loneliness. If this is you, know it will get better.

The second kind of unexpected event is less abrupt. It looks like an internal shift that one discovers over time. She may not even lose any friends or go through any major life stress (externally). Her subconscious picked up on new desires, ideas, and/or feelings that she is unable to express to the people around her. Once she becomes actively aware of these thoughts, she begins to feel lonely. It’s a gradual process, but it’s still just as painful because she must keep a part of herself hidden from everyone she knows. As soon as this woman is able to comfortably and freely be herself, she will begin to feel less lonely.

Both of these stories are extremely different, but both played huge roles in my personal relationship with loneliness. The most important thing to think about before personal growth can happen is the root of your loneliness. Hopefully, these examples will push you in the right direction because I can’t find that root for you. That’s something only you can do! To dig a little deeper, challenge yourself to journal the answers to these questions. Why are you experiencing loneliness? Is it the result of an external event or an internal shift? Are there certain things, places, or people that trigger your loneliness? If so, what can you do to remove those things from my your life? Does your loneliness feel like sporadic bursts of intense emotion or is it something that is always in the back of your mind? What would you tell your younger sister when she confides in you that she’s lonely? Read your answer as if you wrote it to yourself.

Five Steps for Defeating Loneliness

I don’t want to waste any time. You should take these steps with a grain of salt as they are steps based on experience and not science. What has helped me may not help you. However, don’t let that discourage you. I’ve included as many varieties and options for you to try as possible. That way if part of step 2 doesn’t work for you, you can apply a different idea from that step to your own life.

1. Journaling

You may have heard of journaling before and thought it sounded hokey or too time consuming. Whatever negative things you’ve heard about journaling, I want you to metaphorically throw them all away. They’re not true. Depending on how much you journal, it will be time-consuming, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Something that’s so beautiful about journaling is that you can journal like you’re talking to a dear friend. Anne Franks is a great example of this. While she was in hiding, she couldn’t talk to any of her friends or change the fact that she was a bubble extrovert. To better cope with her loneliness, she kept a journal. This journal quickly became her best friend in her time of need. Anne even started each entry with, “Dear Kitty.” Part of what makes her diary so valuable today is that Anne didn’t hold back. She always wrote what she felt.

Let your journal become a safe place for you. Write what you want to however you want to. Your journal might look like a collection of drawings or involve colorful habit trackers. The beauty of the journal is that it is there to serve you however you need it to. You may want to start by using journaling prompts or recording a certain thing, like a list of gratitude, every day. Choose what works best for you and go from there.

If you still aren’t convinced, let me share some health benefits with you. Journaling has been scientifically proven to help you encourage mindfulness, achieve your goals, increase emotional intelligence, boost memory, strengthen self-discipline, spark creativity, improve immune system functioning, and even increase self-confidence (Thai Nguyen). There are so many more benefits, but these are some of the most commonly listed in scientific studies.

2. Connect with Social Media

Social media is a two sided coin. The side we tend to focus on involves negative things like comparison and isolation. However, the other side of the coin is much more exciting. It involves connection and being social. While in quarantine, social media is one of the only ways we can feel connected to other people. When I shifted my focus from how many likes so and so had on their picture to encouraging and uplifting so and so, everything changed for me. All of a sudden social media stopped looking like the ugly beast I thought it was and began to look like a tool I could use to experience genuine connection with people. With social media, I can even meet and connect with people who live thousands of miles away from me, that I never would have met other wise. Of course that takes time and proving that you’re not some evil person, but it’s still a lot of fun.

If you always feel worse after looking at social media even after shifting your perspective, then it’s time for you to take a break. Some people just don’t mix well with social media. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you need to be honest with yourself up front about which kind of person you are. If you can experience genuine connection on social media, go for it! If you can’t, run away as fast as you can! It’s easy to get trapped.

3. Staying in touch even when you can’t meet in person

One of the other ways we are able to stay in touch with our communities is through video calling. If you have a hard time remembering to call someone, don’t let that be an excuse. You will only sink further into a sea of loneliness. Set up a time that you can talk with your friend(s) once a week every week. Put it in your calendar and BAM! you’ll never forget again.

If you’re using the fact that you don’t know of any apps that all your friends can use regardless of electronic device as an excuse, I’ve got you covered. Have you tried all of these: House Party, Marco Polo, WhatsApp, Line, Skype, Zoom, Hangouts, or Messenger? If not, then you now have a way to talk with your friends. You’re welcome.

“But, Kiki, I want to watch TV with my friends and do other things besides just talk.” Well, hon, I have great news for you! Because of the powers of technology, you can. You can actually screen cast videos on Zoom, as well, but Netflix Party and Kast are apps that are specifically meant for watching videos with friends over video call.

Staying in touch with friends that you can’t see face to face is hard, but it is not impossible. There will be bad wifi, power outages, and changing schedules that get in the way. Don’t worry about it. Call today and you’ve already jumped over the biggest hurdle.

4. If you really don’t have any friends, get lost in a story

Sometimes, there are seasons after a big move or new school where we actually don’t have any friends. Whatever the reason is, it’s easy to feel lonely. In this case, it’ll just take time and actively seeking out new friendships to heal from your loneliness. Getting lost in a good book or sucked into a funny TV series is always a pleasant distraction, though. Not only is it helpful for learning new things, but you are able to fall in love with a book/movie because at some level you can connect with the characters! To me, there’s something so beautiful about that. It may be a one sided relationship but it’s nice to have something to connect to. Should TV or books replace all human interaction? No, but it is a helpful resource to cope with loneliness. Who knows? Maybe you’ll make a new friend because of the story you fell in love with!

5. Have a good cry

This may seem counter-intuitive but freely letting out your emotions can be beneficial. It might even encourage your wave of loneliness to settle and leave. Pair your crying session with a healthy coping mechanism like journaling or a sappy movie and you’ve got the perfect loneliness catharsis! It would be wise to set a limit on your crying if you feel like it might go on for too long. If your little cry of loneliness turns into a giant ugly wailing extravaganza that won’t end, consider reaching out to a therapist to learn more about your loneliness. Okay, maybe “giant ugly wailing extravaganza” is an exaggeration, but do whatever you think will be best for you.

Conclusion

Did you see what I did there? I referred to it as “your loneliness” because you are in charge of your feelings, not the other way around. You own your loneliness, don’t let it tell you otherwise.

Remember the women I talked about in the stories earlier? Their stories don’t end at the loneliness. The first girl overcame her sudden change. She went through the motions of pain and loneliness and looking back now sees how that was all part of the process of her story. The second girl eventually shares the part of herself that she was so scared of the world seeing. Anyone who doesn’t love who she is chooses to leave her life. Did you get that neither of these women experienced over night, miraculous change? They had to put in the work themselves in order to grow and fight for their mental health when loneliness came crawling in. Maybe the couple of sentences I shared didn’t make that super obvious, but it’s true. Your loneliness is not the end of the world. Just because everyone experiences it at some point, doesn’t mean you have to wait until you’ve been sucker punched in the gut by loneliness ten too many times. Pursue the things that help you manage your loneliness, not the things that intensify it. Know that you are so much more than your feelings–you are a mixture of your body, beliefs, experiences, spirit, soul, intelligence, and feelings. Your feelings are only a part of what makes you the amazing you that your are. I said it before and I will say it again, your loneliness or any of your other feelings do not define you, only you can do that. How will you choose to define yourself this time?

If you want a cute reminder of this, head on over to my Free Resource Library and download the ‘My Feelings Do Not Define Me Printable’ in the ‘Mentioned in Blog Posts’ Section!