How to Find Community When You Are Lonely
Introduction
At this point, many of us are familiar with the millions of ways we can stay busy or have fun during quarantine. However, keeping ourselves entertained should not be the priority. Not only is scrolling endlessly on your phone unhealthy, but it also means you are falling prey to your technology (look into scrolling vs pagination). Just because quarantine makes this trap easier to get stuck in, that does not mean you should give up on figuring our how to find community.
I’ve been learning how to find community in the midst of a pandemic, being a freshman in a new university, living by myself, knowing no one, and so on. There are a few really important things I’ve learned that make the process much less depressing, so I thought I’d help you learn how to find community, too.
What Does a Healthy Community Look Like?
I am so glad you asked this question because the first step in understanding how to find community is knowing what kind of community you’re looking for. Before you even start your search, you need to set a couple of ground rules and expectations for you and the people in your new community. To learn more about setting boundaries, you can download a mini-workbook in the free resource library.
Some of them may be as simple as the statement that you have a work or school schedule that takes precedence over other events and others may need to be added for your specific situations. Make boundaries before you make friends. That way you are prepared for any codependency or unhealthy habits that may try to hinder your relationships.
A healthy community also tells the truth, even when it hurts. What do I mean by this? I mean explaining why you overreacted when so and so did that one thing. If you need a little help in figuring out how to start the conversation, I recently learned an amazing tip from Matthias Roberts and Kevin Garcia. Start off by explaining, “The story I’m telling myself is…” Basically, it’s an easier way to say this is why I reacted like that without pointing the blame on them or making you and your community go on the defensive.
Lastly, a healthy community is one where you don’t need to or feel like you should hide your “true” self. You know, the version of you that your neighbors, classmates, or acquaintances don’t get to see. You can just live out your melody and listen to all the harmonies of everyone’s song in community.
How to Find Community Even if It’s Virtual
Right now, most of us are kind of stuck in limbo between lockdown (AKA lockdown 2.0) and doing some things in person. Especially if you’ve just moved or are experiencing something that makes you extra isolated, connecting online will be the key to staying sane.
Stay in Touch With Old Friends & Relatives
The first part to finding community, is continuing to contact your community pre-COVID. This might look like using Marco Polo or Whatsapp more than you’re used to, but you won’t feel as isolated so it’s okay. Pro tip: try not to message people through social media platforms as they tend to be distracting. This may be something you already do, but since we’re discovering how to find community, I wanted to cover all of our bases.
Making New Friends
This is hard to do online but it is not impossible. I can only talk to some of the closest people to me in my community online and I even met one of them online, as well. It does take time so I thought I’d share five place where I think you’d be the most likely to find a community to make it fly by faster.
- Through Work or Classes
While this one may seem pretty obvious, a lot of people discount as a way to find actual friends when all of your meetings are done over zoom. Try to pay attention to the people in group projects or the ones you direct message during the meeting. Those are probably a good place to start. - Through Club/Hobby Involvement
At my university, many clubs have adapted to a remote format in order to help people find community while also staying safe. These are a great way to meet like-minded people and that means, friendship-wise, you’ll already have one foot in the door. Clubs that have smaller, more chill meetings tend to be easier to get to know people in - At a Virtual Conference
Surprisingly enough, this is the most recent way I’ve made community. Through the Queer Christian Conference, I finally felt like I could be myself around a group of people for the first time in probably my whole life. The conference ended a week ago but we’re still in touch and planning virtual meetups to stay that way. - Through an App
I can’t say I, personally, recommend this one but many dating apps have now started including a friend option so I just thought I’d through it out there. - Local Events
Use Facebook to figure out what events near you are going on. Maybe there’s a weekly social distanced yoga group in the park right next to your house or a farmer’s market calling your name. Whatever online or in-person events there are that you feel safe going to are also a good place to connect with people. And, who knows? Maybe you’ll find the next member of your community!
How to Find Community Through Volunteering
Pre-COVID, I took volunteering for granted. I didn’t realize it but it’s one of the main ways I built my community. Not only does it give you a common goal and excuse for hanging out with someone, but you get to make a difference in your community! After being in lockdown, my first focus was becoming TEFL certified to save up over the summer and I needed some time away from people to get everything done. After I moved to Miami, I realized that learning how to find community was also something I should’ve done some more research on.
Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any more isolated, I decided to volunteer as a facilitator (a group leader and note-taker) for a Racial and Ethnic Equality Summit. I didn’t know anyone really well and I’ve never even been to the city hosting this conference. However, after it was over, I felt more connected to myself and to a community, That even led to me making one of my new year’s resolutions into volunteering biweekly.
Conclusion
Getting involved in local activities, events, and volunteering is the best second step you can take in finding community. Now that you know how to find community, remember that the first step is always creating boundaries for yourself and your future community. If you still find yourself struggling to find community, I wrote a letter to the lonely girl (in all of us, we’re all honest here) in a previous blog post.
