Reflections on Physically Losing Someone

Introduction

I’m not talking about losing someone because they’ve passed but losing someone because of a big move, differences in opinions, changing goals, new schedules, etc.. Even more specifically, I’m referring to losing someone’s daily/semi-daily physical presence. Sometimes, we lose people even when both parties are very close and don’t want this to happen. I’ve lost people who I loved dearly time and time again. It hasn’t become any easier, though.

Storytime

Seven or eight years ago, my cousin’s family moved to Austria. Until then, we had done everything together from going to the same school to spending every summer at our grandparents’ neighborhood pool. We were inseparable. The fact that she was moving away didn’t mean that I couldn’t talk to her; I just wouldn’t physically be with her, in person. I had never been able to successfully maintain a long-distance friendship before. I was scared we wouldn’t be as close or that we would drift apart (Facetime really helped with that). Every single year her family would return to America and we would all basically live at our grandparents’. At any given time, there were around seven or eight people living there and at least five more staying until one in the morning. We would have massive dance parties with our friends and other family members none of us had seen since the year before. We would go to the swimming pool just like we used to and laughed when fourteen people tried to slide down the water slide. Surprise! They broke it. However, every summer would reach its close just as we had finally caught up with each other. One day at two o’clock in the morning, we would roll out of bed and drive an hour to the airport–all the while bawling our eyes out to make up for their nine-month absence. Currently, my cousin lives in America and is attending college only a couple of hours from where I live. We still repeat this cycle for my aunt and uncle, though, her parents.

At the time, I thought this was the hardest thing I would ever go through with anyone. Boy, I was wrong. I would lose people who I became even closer to than my cousin and hardly see them, again. As an internally sensitive person, it hurt me immensely for this to happen. Every time I was under the impression that this relationship would never end, that we would be friends forever. It started hurting me a lot less when I learned to stay present, enjoy the time we do have together, stop thinking about potential futures without this person, and accept when our time is done if it ends. This way I am able to look back on the happy and funny memories without solely remembering the pain of drifting apart.

Moving Forward Doesn’t Mean Moving on.

Over my years of losing and loving people, I have learned that the most helpful thing I can do to cope with losing someone is to accept it. Just because I am not seeing someone every day doesn’t mean I can’t call or text them every once in a while. If I truly have lost all connection with someone, then I can take peace in knowing that it was meant to be this way. Growing up without my cousin during the school year, wasn’t always easy but we couldn’t pull a parent trap to get her parents to move back to America. At first, I didn’t understand how to deal with her move (I’m sure she felt that more so than me). It seemed impossible to grasp, but every day I lived that she was in Austria became a little bit easier. I learned how to calculate a six-hour time difference in my head and it allowed me to grow in ways I wouldn’t have been able to if she were here. I became more dependent on myself and my abilities than I would have if she had been here (I’m not saying I wasn’t dependent on myself but she’s two years older than me). Some days were harder than others, but it made both of us who we are today and I wouldn’t change the past even if I could.

Seeing how things played out with my cousin has given me more perspective for friendships. I now understand that it’s okay to text someone out of the blue. Neither of you are going to have time to connect with each other or even remember to do so all the time. That’s perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m just being honest. This “loss” doesn’t have to be a bad thing, though. The two of you may actually gain valuable life experience because of the new dynamics. It would be bad if your friend had died (I’m using the word, friend, for the sake of simplicity). It wouldn’t be an option to even talk to them. When you lose someone in the way I am referring to, you can still talk to them if you want. Be grateful for that. In this situation, both parties are able to feel nostalgic and miss each other. These feelings are such a blessing even though they never seem that way.

Losing Contact

Sometimes, losing contact with someone happens just because there isn’t anything else to say. It doesn’t have to be because of anger, though. It could be because after growing a little bit on your own, one of you realizes that they have new interests. These interests don’t change how much the two of you love each other, but it may change how often you talk. That’s okay and healthy. It would be strange (and kind of impressive) if someone in their eighties had all of the same friends since preschool. I will say if you are family, this lack of things to talk about doesn’t matter. For the most part, you’re bound together by blood or shared experiences forever. You’re actually required to stick with each other through thick and thin. Trust me, there will be something you can talk about or do that will help you. For some of my family, I only see and talk to them every few years (or I haven’t even met them before). We are still just as close as other friends. With a couple of exceptions, I know I can depend on them to be there for me, always. We love each other regardless of how many words we share or how often we see each other.

Both of you might meet new people and make new friends. This definitely happened with my cousin and me. She still has friends that I’ve never even met and the same is true for her and my friends. There’s no true need to be jealous or worried about where you stand in your relationship. It’ll only waste your time. If you’re actually friends, you’ll still have the same space in your friend’s heart regardless of who they’re with. So it is healthy to befriend new people. Get out of your comfort zone and do it! Don’t stay glued to your screen waiting for a notification from them. This will only isolate you from the beautiful people around you and that’s no fun, either. It’s easy to handle this change the wrong way. I made so many mistakes before reaching this conclusion and still, slip into bad habits every now and then. In the midst of losing someone, it’s hard to focus on the healthiest, happiest, and best way to respond or even stay in touch.

Communication Ideas

If the reason why you can’t communicate is that you don’t have the same messaging, calling, or video chatting platforms, I have three solutions for you. What I started using with my family after they moved to Austria was Whatsapp. It allows international phone numbers to text, call, and video chat for free. It is also extremely secure. Now that Facebook owns it, this may be questionable. If you want the absolute most secure way to contact someone, I highly suggest Line. It can do all of the above and also has really cute gifs and emojis. It is very popular in Japan and South Korea which is why you may not have heard of it. The last app I want to recommend is specifically for groups of people that all live in different places. House Party allows two or more people to video chat at the same time. All you have to do to see if any of your friends are there and available to talk is open the app.

Conclusion

I cannot stress the fact that physically losing someone doesn’t have to be a bad thing enough. You may not see it but it will help shape you into the person you’re meant to be. If you’ve lost someone recently, send this article to them and tell them you miss them. You’re both probably feeling this way. There is a difference between something hurting you in the short term and harming you in the long term. Physically losing someone doesn’t have to be harmful to you or the other person.

My cousin and I don’t see each other as often as we expected, living only two hours apart. It is always an option, though. Now, if only our schedules perfectly meshed to allow us plenty of time to talk to each other…if only I wasn’t preparing to spend a couple of months in Austria…if only we didn’t both go to college… You know what? No more if only’s, I have spent so much time with her. We are both getting ready to change the world. So what if we don’t see each other every day in the process? So what if we do? All that matters is we love each other regardless of how much we do or don’t talk, do or don’t see, and do or don’t spend time with each other.