Introduction
I’m not just talking about any opponent. I’m specifically talking about the opponents who don’t love, accept, acknowledge, or even care for people because of the color of their skin, sexuality, gender, religious beliefs, disabilities, cultural identity, citizenship status, or any other BS reason. In America, I’ve seen people on all sides of these beliefs unable to listen to each other (at this point, love isn’t even on the table anymore). Both sides are passionate, both sides believe they’re right, both sides will not take “no” for an answer, and more importantly both sides have forgotten that they’re fighting for the same things: security, stability, freedom from fear, support, and humanity. We are in desperate need for revolutionary love.
My Experiences with Revolutionary Love
I grew up with one foot stuck in the door of conservative south and the other firmly planted in Europe (the liberal side of things). I’ve been doing the splits my whole life trying to figure out what I believe and how to listen to everyone (including the ones who were holding door in place). For so long, I tried not to pick fights and kept my mouth closed when there were words begging to be set free, but keeping the peace isn’t who I am. I make my peace, sib, and I will listen to your beliefs no matter how vile in the hopes that you will listen to mine.
I still have more to learn, but loving my enemies has always been a massive part of my life. For so long I thought this balancing act was normal, but the more of the outside world I see the more I realize it is actually very unique. Some may have a stressful Thanksgiving dinner once or twice and think they know what I’m talking about, but that’s not it. I’m talking about opinions so different (and so strong) that you can’t even bring them up in the house or else you risk everyone crying, yelling, and attempting to storm off (it doesn’t work when you all live in the same place). Every day. Thanksgivings are more like icing on the cake. That’s why I want to teach you how to listen actively and love the people you don’t necessarily like with empathy.
The Secret to Listening to Your Opponents
The secret to listening to your opponents is to remember that they, too, are human through revolutionary love. Even though they might have done awful things or don’t agree with you or your loved ones being able to have basic human rights, they are still human, just like you (maybe for some particularly awful people, you might want to think of their humanity during their childhood). You listening to them doesn’t mean that they’re right, it just means that you are willing to grant them their humanity, something everyone deserves (a concept I am only now able to put to words because of Valarie Kaur’s See No Stranger; I would be silly not to give her the credit she deserves). While listening to their point of view, you may be tempted to run, hide, fight, or silence their voice, but this will only widen the divide, so stay.
It’s important to be able to understand the people who don’t agree with you. Not only so you can fight their arguments if needed, but so you don’t forget that they are human. Once you forget that they’re human, you may begin to treat them with the same disrespect–or even hate–that they have treated you with. Then, the two of you would invent new ways to continue harming each other instead of eventually ending the cycle altogether.
You were created to live in a place that is safe and healthy. As a human being, you should automatically be treated as such. However, you can’t believe that about yourself and not believe it about everyone else. Once you are able to accept that every single living person should be treated as human, you have opened up the possibility for revolutionary love. This is the radical concept that everyone should be loved including “all who are in harm’s way,” “our opponents,” and “ourselves,” (The Revolutionary Love Project’s Pledge). This is going to make people angry, but this is what justice and healing look like. If this is the only way we will all ever be able to eat at the same table again, then you know where to find me. I’ve already got the gluten-free bread.
What to Do When You Listen
- Stay grounded. Look around the place you’re in. Take a few deep breaths. Hold onto your necklace. Do whatever you need to do to ground yourself and stay safe.
- As soon as you catch yourself wanting to blow up at them with all of your facts and carefully planned points, remind yourself that you don’t need to agree with them to keep on listening. Remind yourself that they are human and need their side of the story heard just as much as you do.
- Take notes or record your conversation, if you can. This way you can look back at your notes and see what was said without worrying that you are making a certain point up.
- Don’t put yourself in a situation you know you’re not ready for. For example, if you decide to hear out someone else’s opposing political opinion on immigration and you are an immigrant, it’s going to hurt so much more to hear that you should be deported than if someone else, who is not an immigrant, were to listen in your place.
- If you are feeling traumatized, having a panic attack, or concerned for your safety, leave. Allow yourself to return later when it’s safer. This isn’t just self-care, it is the only way that you will be able to bring your all to the conversation and not lose yourself in the emotions.
What Does Revolutionary Love Look Like?
To be able to love anyone, not just someone who’s hard to love, we first need to understand what love actually is. I can easily tell you what it’s not, so let’s start there. Love doesn’t involve fear. Love isn’t putting a smile on your face when you see someone who makes your insides want to jump off a cliff. Telling someone you forgive them when you actually don’t or feel pressured to, isn’t love. That’s just people-pleasing. Why is it that these are all of the things we so often do in the name of love?
My personal opinion is that it’s because real, revolutionary love, is hard and takes a lot of work. Also, most of us don’t have a very good understanding of what it looks like. As someone who has grown up in an abusive household, my understanding of love has always been a little flawed. However, I’ve been spending my whole life trying to figure out what it actually is. So, I can explain it very well. I think that it’s easiest to show what love looks like with a very famous passage of the bible. Regardless of what you believe, it’s still provides a pretty good picture that everyone should follow. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 says,
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.”
I know it’s read at every single wedding, but have you actually thought about this passage before?
Key Points
- Love “does not insist on its own way.” For our purposes, this one statement is everything. Real, authentic love doesn’t care about who is right or wrong. All it cares about is showing genuine and kindness for someone else and yourself.
- Love “does not rejoice at wrongdoing.” We should be responding to the injustices in the world so that we can rejoice in truth. Responding to injustice doesn’t only involve listening and love the victims and survivors, it also involves listening and loving the perpetrators. I’m not saying we have to like them, but we must also treat the wrongdoers with basic human decency.
- Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, [and] endures all things.” Love doesn’t want us to ignore or silence all of the pain a certain person or set of beliefs has. caused. It wants us to address those and still love. Love is bigger than the problems we fight about with people we don’t understand and it “never ends.”
Why Should We Love our Enemies?
The answer is not because it’s the “right” thing to do. The answer is also not because it’s what Jesus would do. It’s because all revolutionary love asks is that we continue to see everyone as deeply human, intertwined with the divine.
We can’t end messed up systems if we aren’t able to separate the people involved in them from the institutions themselves. More often than not, they are dealing with their own heartache, too. This is no justification for their actions or beliefs, but it does mean that they have the potential to change so continue to love them (in a way that’s healthiest and safest for you) like you would have wanted to be loved when you used to believe or support something that you don’t anymore.
What About Our Abusers, Oppressors, & Haters?
Before we can love the ones who have hurt us personally, we need to recover and love ourselves. This might take months or even years. Healing is different for everyone. Sometimes, the only way we can show love to someone is by cutting them out of our lives completely. That’s still love. Part of the emotional healing process after we’ve experienced trauma is forgiveness for the person who harmed us. It’s not the whole healing process, though, and the only reason why it is a part of the process is because it’s healthy for us. Forgiveness marks a final letting go of all of the pain that this person caused. When you forgive your oppressor, you are severing all ties with them and the weight of what they did to you can no longer control your life. You are not a puppet for them to control. You are declaring your humanity.
It doesn’t mean that you are forgetting what they did to you or that you will be unaffected by their presence ever again. Forgiveness through revolutionary love means that you’re choosing to put yourself in the center of your story, not your enemies. After forgiveness, love may involve reconciliation and then, never seeing that person again or it might look like slowly inviting them back into your life. Just remember this: you do not owe your abuser anything. They may not ever take responsibility for their actions. How they respond to your maturity and healing is not your responsibility. Your only responsibilities are to continue healing, be safe, and stay alive. This will be heavy enough, but it is worth it.
Imagine a World Where Everyone is Human
In response to this section header, you may be thinking that everyone is human. While you’re partially right, everyone is human. There are some people who still think that certain people are not completely human like the rest of us. They divide the world into groups of us and them instead of recognizing that there’s only us. The people in them are always deserving of treatment that is less than humane. This is part of the reason why some people are able to justify things like slavery or immigration detention centers (they aren’t one of us). As soon as we are able to invite a group of people into the us, we begin to enact reform, take care of the wounded, fight for the ones who can no longer stand, and even experience empathy for them.
This world where everyone is human can only exist through the power of revolutionary love. All it takes is to imagine our oppressors, friends, family, and ourselves as children. Imagine the pain your abuser went through to become the hardened, seemingly lifeless person they are. This doesn’t make them right or justified. It makes them human. In Valarie Kaur’s words, find ways to be able to “wonder” about yourself whenever you hate her. Ask what caused her to lash out like she did without judgement. Try to understand, imagine, or wonder whenever it’s safe to do so because this is the only way for revolution to survive. Loving and listening is more than a movement. It is how we are called to live.
Conclusion
Throughout the new testament, there are stories of Jesus telling parables and performing miracles. Today, I want to leave you with two specific examples. There’s this amazing story of Jesus treating a Samaritan Woman with the same respect He would treat any other human being. At the time, this was very unusual because there Jews and Samaritans didn’t really get along. However, Jesus took the time to imagine that she, too, had her own dreams, regrets, talents, desires, and story like any other human being would. To His disciples’ surprise, Jesus treats her with human dignity, like any other “normal person.” When we see a “Samaritan Woman” in our life, our response should be one of radical, revolutionary love. She is human just like you.
The second story about Jesus might be a little more famous so I want you to take away any preconceptions you might have about it. Mark 11:15-17 tells the story of Jesus walking into a temple of God and overturning tables. He does this because people are using the temple as a marketplace and watering down the purpose of a temple. If someone decided to trash your beloved temple or place of worship, you’d be pretty upset. Maybe you’d even want to attack the person who did such a terrible thing. But, if you took just one second to wonder about or try to understand the reason Jesus did this, you would see that it was out of love for God and the people worshiping in the temple. This requires you to let go of everything that might be blinding you from revolutionary love. So, are you willing to let love win?
