Why I Left the Evangelical Church

Introduction

Before I start talking about the evangelical church, I want to apologize for the abrupt hiatus. I am officially back now and will be focusing on getting back into the swing of things and making sure everything still works before doing anything super exciting. Long story short: I had finals and major projects, my health has been acting up, and I had toe surgery (nothing major) that had some complications which led to us just calling it a zombie toe. My toe is mostly better now and I have finished my classes so I can focus on blogging again.

Now that I’m back, though, I am having a very hard time deciding how to start this post. Writing this post feels like I’m being reunited with an old friend who I haven’t seen in years and don’t know how to start the conversation. Much of my motivation for writing and blogging have been for helping other people, but I think I’m going to do something a little bit different today. I’m not going to worry about SEO or how to string my words together in a way that makes them sweet to taste.

Even though–or perhaps because–I’ve just started, I’m already having a hard time not thinking about how to title this post or where to put the headings. I guess the easiest way for me to stay on track will be if I think about this post as a letter and not an article or a blog post. I don’t know where I’m going with this yet but it’s something I feel like I need to write this and, in the past, whenever I get these kinds of feelings it’s been a God thing. Even if you’re super Christian or aren’t ex-evangelical, please read with an open mind.

I Survived Evangelical Christianity

I haven’t exactly been paying attention to my relationship with God as much as others would probably like me to. Whether I want to admit it or not, I’ve been focused on surviving. Surviving chronic hip and jaw subluxations. Surviving the zombie toe of 2021 (a surgery, x-ray, and MRI included). Surviving chronic wrist pain that won’t go away. Surviving diagnosis after diagnosis while still being a full-time college student. Surviving finals and projects that never seem to end. Surviving family drama that always seems to follow me. Surviving resurfacing trauma that doesn’t know now is not a good time. Surviving pulling out my hair and urges to self-harm. Surviving triggers, old and new. Surviving one day at a time and surviving nonetheless.

Thinking of all of the things that I have survived, I hear a quiet voice saying this, too, shall pass. I hear it over and over again. This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass. It loses all meaning until I need to hear it once more. It becomes a rhythm for my broken melody. Part of me hates this phrase and the fact that something so beautiful and something I try so hard to believe is also something that I associate with the evangelical Christianity that has hurt me, my friends, and my family more than anyone should have to bear.

While not everything I have faced is connected to or a result of my or my family’s time as evangelical Christians. So much of it is and it needs to be brought to light. If you aren’t convinced I should be sharing the church’s dirty laundry, I have a bible passage (this is the culture I grew up in so, yes, two can play at this game). Matthew 18:15-17 says, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”

For hundreds of years the outcasts, the sinners, the rebels, the fighters, the victims, and the survivors have been sharing the sins committed against us. We have brought it to the church’s attention time and time again. Yet, where is our love that Christians so vehemently claim to have? Where is our forgiveness which Christians supposedly freely give? Where is our justice which we’re still waiting on? It took a long time to find Him but I found God with the ashes of those who have been burned at the stake, holding the bodies of those lynched without reason, and sitting next to the queer person questioning Him for the first time.

It took a long time to find Him but I found God with the ashes of those who have been burned at the stake, holding the bodies of those lynched without reason, and sitting next to the queer person questioning Him for the first time.

We have been saying “there is something wrong with the village” for our whole entire lives and, somehow, it feels like nothing has changed. Technically, it would be a lie to say nothing has changed, but so much has remained the same. I found myself overjoyed by the news that the biggest evangelical adoption agency will now be allowing same-sex couples to adopt from them. I am here to tell you that this is just the start. The walls are finally crashing down and I want to be part of the tsunami that leaves evangelical Christianity in its wake, making space for love.

My Relationship With the Evangelical Church

As queer, disabled, indigenous, black, brown, person of color, [insert discriminated against minority group here] Christians, have you reflected on how the evangelical church (or the church as a whole) has harmed you? It’s important to address, not only for your own healing and growth, but also for catalyzing change. Have you ever spoken to the people or specific church responsible for doing this in the hopes that you could come to a better understanding or move on to a healthier way of being with God?

I’m not going to hold anything back and I’m going to share every single way that I am currently aware of that the evangelical church has stunted my growth as a human being and/or Christian. This is something that the church and the Christian community need to be aware of and take responsibility for so that we can change and stop being a part of the religion that is only known for hating everyone. Maybe it would be better for the denomination to disband, at this point, and give everyone the option to learn why being homophobic, sexist, ableist, or racist is not a very Jesus-y thing to be.

The people in my life in the evangelical church

• performed a light exorcism on me when I was unwilling and having a severe panic attack (i.e. not possessed)
• misled me to believe that women were less capable to lead and thrive than men just for the sake of being women
• contributed to my mom’s incorrect belief that she could never get a divorce even if there was abuse (leading to a 20 year long marriage, lots of trauma, and a very expensive lawyer)
• told me and my friends that we are going to hell for being queer
• mistakenly led me to believe that anyone who wasn’t a virgin was impure and very sinful if they had sex outside of marriage, even if rape or incest was involved
• told my mom that she should not get divorced and should reconcile in spite of the abuse
• showed me that mental illness was the result of some sort of spiritual failure, lack of faith, or other weakness rather than a legitimate illness to be taken seriously
• normalized more subtle forms of white supremacy, sexism, ableism, colorism, and religious superiority
• made me believe that all mission trips were good mission trips regardless of white saviourism or other selfish motivations that could be at play
• indoctrinated me to the point that I tried to convert a stranger at the playground when I was five or six years old (look at the technical definition of indoctrination; growing up Christian, having only Christian friends, practically living at church, attending Christian school, and going to AWANAS can do such a thing if you are born into it)
• taught me to be ashamed of my sexual orientation and gender identity, as well as repent for them as if I had control (thankfully, I’ve now learned that it’s perfectly okay to be queer and Christian)
• placed the blame on me when I was too young to know how to say no and was kind of being stalked
• showed me by example that I am supposed to keep quiet when I see or experience something wrong in order to be submissive
• made me so ashamed of my sexuality that anything remotely sexual freaks the sh*t out of me
• triggered me and many others even when asked to stop
• contributed to my trauma even church is supposed to be a safe place for everyone (I still can’t go to a regular church service without having a panic attack)
• taught me that being republican is the only way to be Christian even when nearly all of the republican talking points and beliefs go directly against Jesus’ teachings
• made fun of my family because my mom was the head of the household

Some of these things are morally wrong at most/not explicitly mentioned in the bible, but many of them are also defined as sin in the bible. For further confirmation, read Micah 6:8, Colossians 3:19, Matthew 22:36-40, Isaiah 53:5, Matthew 7:5, and 2 Corinthians 11:14+15.

A Brief History of the American Evangelical Church

I am not trying to say that I am perfect or better than evangelical Christians. I have been there and, at one point, I genuinely believed I was right. One day it finally clicked that it wasn’t about being right, but having love. I am also not saying that there aren’t some amazing evangelical churches out there. In my experience, those have been few and far between.

While I know that I could go on about the history of sins, abuses of power, and discriminatory actions committed by the evangelical church, I promise I’m only going to mention a few that really stick out to me.

1. Severe homophobia/transphobia that is mostly due to a translation error in the 1940s bible and that has led to conversion therapy, trauma, mental illness, disownment, and countless lives lost.
2. An uncalled for disdain towards immigrants and refugees, especially those of Mexican origin (I really don’t understand this one when this is explicitly mentioned in the bible multiple times).
3. The most conservative branches are proudly associated with organizations and groups like Proud Boys and QAnon contributing to wide support of unfounded conspiracy theories, white supremacy, the idea that “west is best,” religious supremacy, homophobia, and sexism.
4. Time and time again pastors and other religious leaders are (rightfully) accused of sexual assault only for it to be swept under the rug, hidden, ignored, and a lot of the times not even brought up to the police (i.e. they are never fired from their position and can continue abusing their power). Even mainstream leaders like Ravi Zacharias cannot be left out of this list.
5. The Southern Baptist Church literally started because of the belief that slavery was a-okay with the big guy upstairs. Need I say more?

Conclusion

I know the wave of change is slowly growing by the fact that people like Beth Moore are beginning to speak out. While I am completely ready for the evangelical church to disappear, I know that’s not for everyone. So, I challenge you to seek out what the healthiest action for you is (especially if you identify as an evangelical Christian). For some, this may look like joining the heretical ex-evangelicals and for others it might be as straightforward as leaving your current toxic church environment.

Think about it. Pray about it. Do whatever you need to do. I hope that you are able to find a church that brings you and your loved ones peace (if church is something you’re interested in). Now, that I’ve said all of the serious stuff I’d like to leave you with a song written by the first loved and later hidden in the depths of the Contemporary Christian Music industry, “American Republican Jesus,” by Gungor. When I first heard this song, I felt a little saddened by the reality of the evangelical church but now it just makes me laugh. So, I hope you find it funny, too.